Several times, I’ve been accused by a fellow female diner of eating too fast. What is too fast? Do I need to chew each bite like cow’s cud 42 times before swallowing? Here’s the real story…
You, girl, are a chatterbox. You have not stopped talking since you got here. I’m barely able to get a word in edgewise while you gloam on and on about whatever just to hear yourself talk, because your brain and your mouth have not learned to intake oxygen at regular intervals.
I choose to listen and eat while my food is still warm. I’m a good listener, but I get no appreciation for that. I don’t normally eat and talk at the same time like you do, with the gruesome chewed up contents of your hamburger hole spilling out like a broken washer door during heavy spin cycle. I was taught that is rude manners, especially in formal settings. This is a restaurant, not a man-cave.
I enjoy a good meal and conversation, but you’ve crossed the line when you erroneously accuse me of eating like a fresh recruit at a bootcamp mess hall. Sociopaths often express discomfort in someone being non-conforming and different than them, I’m starting to wonder about you and this silly fixation to insult me over some belief that I inhale my food. Yes, my plate is finished before yours because you can’t seem to STFU. Stop blameshifting or I’ll start wearing a bodycam when you’re around me.
I wanna eat dammit.
